"One ship drives east and another drives west, with the selfsame winds that blow. 'Tis the set of the sails and not the gales which tells us the way to go.

Like the winds of the sea are the ways of fate, as we voyage along through life. 'Tis the set of a soul that decides the goal, and not the calm or the strife." Ella Wheeler Wilcox

My very best guy friend in the WHOLE WORLD gave me this quote a few years ago. It often catches my eye as I walk by the fridge, making me thankful for friends who speak life and truth to one another. Today again, it did just that and more. This quote is a good little barometer, begging me to examine the set of my soul. Do I set my soul the way a sailor sets his sails? Intentionally, to catch the wind in such a way as to reach his destination? Am I catching the wind of the Spirit's leading? Granted, the short term destination is unknown at this time, but does my current heading catch the wind that effects Eternity? And beyond that, does my day-to-day life demonstrate such intentional living, regardless of where I work, or what tasks my hands find to do? 

So, after the previous posts and the encouraging and good reminders from friends, I've continued to examine just how often I perceive that a conversation is "about me". For example, if someone is speaking of something they don't like in my presence...let's say being late for example: a friend says "I hate it when people are late; I think it's rude..." or something of the sort, I immediately think "oh...is that directed at me? I mean, I can be 'chronically late'. Am I supposed to be picking up on a hint here?" and on and on down that road my brain goes...

And in moments of clarity, I wonder - why do I do that???

Last night, I found myself having a conversation along those lines and when I questioned the friend if his comments had something to do with me, he replied mildly exasperated: "it's not ALWAYS about you, Katie." And I thought of my narcissism post of late.

That post was a bit tongue-in-cheek, but now I'm actually pondering just how much this tendency reveals my selfishness. I cannot help but see a correlation between my insecurity (which is what I think is revealed in those worries) and my relationship with the Lord.

When I'm where I need to be with the Lord, I am more confident in who I am, honest with others, and more able to trust that they are telling me the truth. BUT when I neglect my relationship with the Lord, it's like I lose my identity and wait for others to define me, so positive words send me sailing over the MOON, but even something perceived as negative brings me crashing down in despair...

So, perhaps the solution is 1. Spend time with the Lord and live what I believe and 2. Define myself/let the Lord define me instead of allowing others to do that according to their perceptions/expectations, and 3. In those  moments of mild "paranoia" and insanity, I need to remind myself that it's just not always about me... 

Ok, so my daily blogs regarding my readings in David Roper's "Out of the Ordinary" are not so daily. At least I'm consistent at my inconsistency. I was being my usual self and desiring perfection from this little undertaking - that I would read one entry a day and write about it. However, that's silliness! I haven't read one entry each day, nor have I written about all of them, because I don't have something to respond to from each of them at the time I read them. SO, I am done waiting for perfection and willing to accept the reality. 

Today I read about Ex 33:1-16, specifically verse 14 where Moses has gone to meet God outside of the camp, since the Lord's presence was not dwelling with the stubborn people he'd chosen. Moses was getting ready to lead the people into unchartered territory and in need of comfort. He was very much alone in his mission, carrying a weighty burden of caring for and leading a difficult people. So instead of doing what I'm inclined to do and running around trying his best to keep everyone happy, to meet every need as well as every whim and to muster up confidence for the people, he went out away from the people to be with the Lord. That makes me smile.

He went there and reminded God what God had told him - how He'd said that He'd known Moses by name and that Moses had found favor in God's sight. Then, David Roper says Moses asked the Lord, essentially "if this is so, will you be my counselor and companion?" And I love God's reply, "My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest" (vs. 12-14).

Roper points out that the pronouns God used are singular. God was not talking about being the rest for all of Israel at that moment. He was comforting and reassuring His friend. Telling Moses that he's on the right track and that the Lord Himself will be his rest.

Today God was my rest. I've been working a lot lately. It's fire season, so this is good, actually. We've actually had a rather mild fire season here, so I was anxious a few weeks ago about how that would affect my job for the winter, but then a place opened up at Dispatch for me and I've been working there - recovering LOTS of hours for my winter ones and getting a lot of overtime. It's great; it's the Lord's provision for me. But after not having a day off for 19 days, I was in need of rest. Desperately in need. I had yesterday and today and they have been probably one of the most peaceful, refreshing weekends I've had in recent history.

It's an odd thing, though. I wanted to "suck the marrow" out of the days off and kept trying to fill them up with busyness and "to do's" as I am so prone to. I had a few moments where I was "spinning" a bit...trying to fit an impossible amount of life into just 2 days. Praise the Lord for friends who helped me see that and helped me stop! And today as I let go of a couple of my last expectations and a feeble attempt at planning for this evening, I was reminded (by my mother, nonetheless) that the Lord is my provider and he would provide wisdom for my 'next move', if I would just sit down and listen to him. That's when I read this snippet on rest. And as I pondered it, I dozed off. I woke up to a ringing phone which answered my logistics questions and I felt the sweet peace of having received the rest which the Lord had for me.

I appreciate tangible lessons like this.

--------------------------------------------------------------

On another note, I saw the new movie "Julie &Julia" (I think that's the title) this weekend and was delighted at how sweet and encouraging and inspirational it was! It definitely made me want to cook more, but mostly to find something I love and do it...